Failing and daring to give my best

College is an ideal time to develop your character, talents, and beliefs. For me, the last 2.5 years have been the most challenging of my life. My mind has been stretched farther than it ever had been before, and it continues to be blown by what I’m taught by professors and people that I know. Because of that, I’ve also gone through the most intense personal development of my life on many levels: academically, socially, and spiritually to name a few areas.

It’s been full of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel on top of the world. Sometimes I get frustrated that I haven’t truly been striving for excellence. That’s where I’ve been lately.

There is so much to get done on a daily basis. My to-do list is never ending. And things don’t always happen on time. This means I didn’t always give my best effort.

This is not something I’m okay with.

I constantly talk about greatness – finding your cause to fight for in life, the purpose God made you for. But sometimes I feel like I haven’t been giving enough. Sometime in the last month I was mad about something. Disappointed, maybe? I can’t remember. I was kneeling down before mass and just looking up at Jesus on the cross. And it wasn’t like a choir of angels appeared, but very clearly the thought came into my head: “What more I give you?”

There he was on the cross in front of me, this son of God I claim to love so much and live for. He has given the ultimate sacrifice for me. Personally. He would have died for me if I were the only person on Earth.

And here I am procrastinating.

Again.

It’s gotten better throughout college. I haven’t had to stay up until 3:30am writing a paper like I did freshman year! But still, I hate that things don’t always get done as far ahead of time as they should. So I’ve been trying to figure out what to do to remedy this.

We’re told to be strong and independent all the time, but I am so tired of fighting a battle with myself that feels like I’m on a losing streak. It feels like that because I want to do my best, but my best is hard. We’re all called to holiness, but the path to holiness isn’t paved with lollipops. It is born out of blood, sweat, tears, and a heck of a lot of prayer.

I want to be holy. I want to be the light and salt of the world we’re called to be. I want to respond to Jesus in the only way that really makes sense: with gratitude and reckless abandon to his will.

Maybe I just don’t know how.

You know that strong, independent woman CEO we’re supposed to want to be? Guess what I’ve discovered? She doesn’t really exist. In the end we all need each other. We need to slow down and smell the alfalfa, reflect on what really matters, and direct our lives back to our ultimate goal: heaven. It sure doesn’t feel like homework is the way to get to heaven, but for right now I need to give my all to the efforts God has called me to be part of at the moment.

After all, what more can I possibly dare to give back to Jesus than my very best?

How do you deal with stress? Assignments due all at once? A never-ending to-do list? Please keep everyone approaching finals in your prayers as we get through the last couple weeks of school, and know I’ll be praying for you too!

To Life,